Here are some tax-related items that may (or may not) qualify as jokes. If you have a favorite, Email us and well post it. We're also looking for interesting, or horrifying tales from you practice.

An ex-lumberjack who owned a bar was very proud of his strength. He had a standing challenge in his bar: He would squeeze a lemon into a glass, and if anyone could squeeze as much as another drop from the same lemon rind, he would give him $1,000.

For years, no one won the challenge. Then one day a scrawny little guy in a polyester suit and thick glasses, with a squeaky voice, walked in and announced he wanted to try the challenge.

When the laughter died, the bartender squeezed a lemon and handed the rind to the newcomer, who promptly proceeded to squeeze several more drops from it. Once the applause died, the bartender gave the winner the $1,000 and asked: "What do you do for a living?" Replied the stranger: "I am an IRS auditor."

Q. How is golf like taxes?
A. Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.

Q. What did the fisherman give to the IRS at tax time?
A. His net income.

- Jim Deming, St. Paul, MN

St. Peter and Gabriel are talking at the Pearly Gates. Gabriel asks St. Peter what he talks about to each person that arrives. St. Peter says "I make small talk based on the interests and IQ of each person. For example, that next guy, I'll talk about particle physics and the Roth IRA, the following woman I'll quiz about politics and the Roth IRA and with that third guy I'll cover deer hunting and the Roth IRA."

Gabriel says, "I understand you talking about their interests, but why do you ask everyone about the Roth IRA? St. Peter responds, "Because nobody understands the new tax law and I have to find a consensus before God asks me what to invest his money in next year!

- Sean Hart Ashland, WI

The Pope and an IRS agent appear at the Pearly Gates simultaneously. St. Peter welcomes them in, telling them they had been expected. As they walk through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter mentions that their accommodations have be prepared for them.

First, St. Peter leads the pair to the Pope's new quarters, a simple room, a straw bed, a table with one lamp and a bookshelf with the Pope's favorite books and a large comfy chair. "Ah perfect," said the pope, "just what I had hoped for. Thank you so much."

The IRS agent then followed St Peter with some concern. He had no idea what to expect in view of the Pope's obvious advantages . St. Peter directed the IRS agent to a lavish villa. Marble fountains, magnificent views, gardens of roses and orchids, choirs of angles singing in the background. "Oh, it's all so perfect. But wait. How come the Pope got such a primitive place to stay and I get this palace." the IRS agent asked.

St. Peter looked up and said simply, "Popes are common up here, we have them by the dozen. We've never had an IRS agent before."

- Bill Johns Pullman, WA

Just in time for Tax Season, a triad of IRS Jokes:

1. Last Halloween one kid showed up at my door dressed as an IRS agent. It was very authentic. He took 40% of our candy.

2. The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

3. I have enough money to last the rest of my life...unless I buy something.

A quote from Margaret Milner Richardson, former commissioner of the IRS, quoted in the Wall Street Journal
"It is not only impossible to please all of the people all of the time, but sometimes it is very difficult to please any of the people any of the time."
In her job, I can understand why!

- Jim Weirick, Rochester, MN

Each day on my way to work, I stop off at a 7-11 just outside our housing development. Every day, rain or shine, hot or cold, there stands "Buddy." I'm not sure if that's his real name, but every time I walk into the store I say, "Hi Buddy!" and I toss him a quarter. He always looked well groomed, but obviously unemployed and asking for money outside the store.

About April 10th, I was on my way to work, and was about to toss him another quarter, and he said, "Ah - thank you sir, but I've found a better method. If you just write me a check for 25 cents a day for the 280 work days you come in here, you can take it off on your taxes as a charitable contribution. All I need is a check for about $70, and you don't have to remember the quarter each day, and I don't have to stand here in the rain and cold or hot weather. And best of all, you get a deduction on your upcoming taxes."

Well, I went in the store, bought my coffee and donut, and was standing at the counter writing out the check for $70. The clerk said, "Are you writing a check for Buddy outside?"

"Yes," I said, "it's a tax break for me and makes it easy for him."

"Oh, No." She said, " He doesn't have a Tax ID, and is not a charitable institution. The IRS will not allow it. You will get audited."

"Oh my! " I said and put my checkbook away.

On my way out of the store, there stood Buddy, and I really laid into him, explaining that he was deceiving people, and had better stop the tax break routine. I ended it with this admonition to him:

"Buddy, don't put all your begs into one ask-it!"

- Chuck Peterka, Exton, PA

A delicatessen owner was being audited by the IRS. The deli owner asked, "What's wrong? Why am I being audited?"

The IRS auditor replied, "You've got two trips to Europe down as business expenses. What's your explanation?"

The deli owner replied, "We deliver!"

- Don Campagna, Williamsville, NY

FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.

Got a good one? send it to me at bznmt@bresnan.net